Sunday, November 4, 2012

In the words of Marilyn Monroe.. It's better to be unhappy alone.. than unhappy with someone... so far..

Sooo this week the Daws has moved yet again.. 4th place over here-  I am not in a guesthouse- which is where I shall live indefinately to ensure I meeting licence requirements for me to be on the 'rock' or island of Guernsey...

The guesthouse is closed to the public so there is a couple of us, not seen anyone though, and so I can have the door open - and wonder about in PJs etc :) so it is all good. It is up the top of a massive hill though which is a little meh as it is a hard climb up - but all good for the daws's need to get fit. Although I have zero determination to do so.

It's turned so cold this last week- I have new PJs, dressing gown and socks- I actually look less appealing than Bridget Jones now...The look today  is wild salt srayed hair in that - get out of bed - but majorly get out of bed toussled style and then black eyes from the heavy eye make up I wore last night.

It wasn't a heavy night so no hangover- a few glasses of wine and a nice steak was enough for me after a stressful week again. When doesnt the Daws have stress in her life hey?

I need to stop worrying about things, after my last post and how I have felt over a few bits this week- I need to somehow get into my head that doing my best has to be enough and ultimately life is far too short to worry as much as I have been doing.

I want to get this life too short thing in my head- I'm always saying I don't believe I will live to be a grand old age or even that old so I might as well get on with a few things now and stop holding back.

SO what am I going to do? I don't know lol!!

Take some bulls by the horns? I don't have any bulls to grab.. lol But when I do I sure will yank them one!

I want to write - it was my mother in the week who said why don't I give childrens books ago? Apart from my obvious chlildish ways I dont think I can connect with children? I don't know them!? Harry Potter seems a bit confusing to me for kids, but then they love it don't they - but then I dont believe and struggle in making up absurd things like Wizards zapping one another lol

Maybe I would be a good erotic writer? I think I would be boring at that, he then did this and that and yes they went to sleep and woke up and then he didn't speak to her again.. ooops maybe I would bring my own tales into it... tales of the last week...

So we shall see- I want to give it a bash - so I am going to put some form of creative head on over the upcoming week's - something to keep the blog updated with too and it doesn't involve men- which i swore i was off remember...

Well i said that... but.... no.. it doesn't matter- I am just in that live once- make most of things mindset at the moment- yet I am deliberating about something.. Do you know what and why ! It's because my confidence has gone again!! I am so confident in some ways but this self confidence is beginning to really piss me right off!
I don't want to do what I want because I am worried, I won't be liked, fancied, let down, and because of how I look. Which I can't really change, and yes I could loose a bit etc but I have little desire too- and I know how I get - it will make me worse happy wise, get me more down - so I should just be happy and confident how I am. Which I am - when I have attention my way.. I am not looking for attention am I - so why I am moaning I don't know.

This week my salary has gone up - thank goodness- I have worked hard for it- but isn't it a joke, you can earn in my case another 7k a year but when you work it out you bring home bugger all extra a month! It's ridic! I remember going back a year to this date. I was stood in Ireland - I went to a cash point and it gave me no money. I stood crying, I rang for an up on overdraft and credit card- both refused.. I vowed when I sold my dads house I wouldn't ever feel like it again. Then all week I have worried about money. My card this week was cloned- and therefore I have no credit card- I shouldn't need it - but I was going to do a bit of Christmas bits on it, so I have spent the time worrying about why I feel I need it - why I have been using my staff store card again - and why I have actually spent the money I should have been saving over the last few months.

I just think money grows on tress, I think i get lost in the moment sometimes and go buying here there and everywhere and then realise sugar.. Last month I had a holiday, I brought sooo many clothes including a beautiful fur coat- I was then shocked when it came to buying a train ticket and it saying - no money left.. I can manage store budgets - ok well some- bit of another worry point at the moment I have going on... but yeh why not my own.
The ridiculous thing is that I have some money but it's for a deposit on a house- but realistically me- a house- setting up home- when is that going to happen? Whilst I am a commitaphobe.. is that a word?lol

So maybe I should be stressing less- I wouldn't have  had this money without my dad, and I wish he was here instead anyway! So again unecessary worry when life really is too short? Or am I just totally irresponsible and deserve to feel rubbish?

On my wardrobe I look across and I see'

I'm not interested in money, I just want to be wonderful - a quote from marilyn monroe.

to be fair- that is me, I want to look, feel and be seen as wonderful, I don't give a shoite if there is money in the account, as long as i can create myself as a wonder to me and someone else..

Maybe I won't be a commitaphobe for ever - Just need that prince to whisk me away don't i.. that's what I am doing - letting him come to me :)

So on the subject of Marilyn Monroe and quotes I have another couple which I have found over the past month and applied to myself.

'If you are going to be 2 faced at least let 1 of them be pretty'

I like this- it's a bitchy catty comment said just as it is and the kind of thing that would come out of my mouth.

I was fuming in the week after working myself up having heard that some people had been discussing my move to Guernsey and how once committed to the job and not living in the apartment wouldn't like it and would move on. Interperated as I will quit and give up. In a rage I am thinking i don't do giving up and going back - only moving forwards, i refer you to one of my first blogs explaining the feeling from living in ireland and moving home and that feeling of failure- I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. But it's the hurt that people think that, and so somehow I locked that in my mind, so it came to moving out on Thursday and I was a emotional wreck. I stood in M and S buying a plate and mug and burst out crying.. 26 and I possess no crockery, no cutlery, no house, and are almost living in a student manner.. but then in a better light and frame of mind- I thought so what!! This is the path I chose and it might not be forever but I have had the balls to do this !! Let's see some who comment do it - and yes I am female and yes for males some things are easier- but I have been through shit in the last few years and I will fight on through all the crap times- because I don't believe nothing can be as bad as loosing someone you love unexpected.

Another is really good aimed for me-

A career is wonderful but you can't curl up with it on a cold night...

It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone. ----- this is the reason for a lot of my behaviour - including antics from the last week.
The other is going to be my parting from this week's blog-  it is me summed up - Daws the full time job -

laters baby xxxx

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