Friday, August 31, 2012

my pdp and revisiting objectives for my life

So back 3 months ago I made a decision. It was random, it was confusing to most people. I decided I wanted to leave Lincolnshire and my job and have a break over in Guernsey but a working break. I should have been coming back now, but thankfully i am not. I will still be in Guernsey come November...
I have encountered so many challenges, my objectives were:
Prove myself as a manager and raise my profile in my roles
Build my confidence at living independently and my independence overall
Move on from my past relationship and develop others
Manage my financials better
Try to start enjoying life.
So having took a week's holiday on the point of being knackered and feeling ill I am doing a little recap...
I have come across so many challenges over here within my career which I have learnt from, I am more passionate than ever, and love my job again. That was love was lacking before I left.I have no doubt I want my job in Guernsey, and I need to find a way I can stay.
I still have challenged to overcome but it's part of the par and I am looking forward to 3 months from here in terms of reflecting again. I have in turn built a profile with varying departments of the company and also the town itself. I also have worked with 2 new managers.
I do live independently, I am complemented all the time on how much I do by myself, it now baffles me when someone has to do check with a partner etc.. its all very tedious.
I have built my confidence, had some aspects of it challenged, professionally and personally but out the other side.
I have moved on completely from my past relationship and yes have started to develop others in various ways.. I've added a nicholas cage and david beckham to celeb look alikes...
I haven't managed my financials but I havent spent much and behaved in paying bills more or less on time. Knowing I am ok has me so much happier- which means money to an extent does buy some happiness.
Enjoying life?! hmmmm the jury ie the readers can be out on that one can't you?!? i think i am more so than i was before the 3 months..
not sure how much I would enjoy life back here... I think I love the lifestyle of being off and away somewhere. I think if I wasn't away in Guernsey around here I would see it as i would need to settle down a bit more? and i therefore think.... Guernsey or the highway?!as in somewhere else?
I am thinking my mind is made up a little?!!? wow. never thought this would be my life's path.. but then we know with me - i might not follow it through. I therefore will need to take some gambles, some risks in the next few months and hope that everything is meant to be..

How very grown up am i? It is fab thought isn't it, I actually am getting somewhere?
So the next 2 months- now til November - what is my life plan? What are my objectives?
Develop the store I will be in staff, stock and visual, prove I need the position permanently and acheive how to get the position and licensing
Build my selfesteem through fitness activities such as the gym.. yes me.. and trainers- i am going to do this.. not diet - but gym it up
Forget the past and not bring them issues into the present, never revisit it mentally or try and apply it to others.
Save as much as I can for after Novemeber- the next move- hopefully a place of my own in Guernsey or the move to the next place.
Live life for the moment and be laid back with things - not taking it all so seriously.

Soo please the blogs are up and down, help me acheive them it's part of my blog objective :)
I also have a further 2 week holiday to go on to Rhodes, currently on my own..  really looking forward to some suannge etc :)
These next couple of months are gonna fly.. that's good but its also well scary!!
I feel i can't afford this week off, I need to crack on with all this summerontheisland lifestyle :)

I defiantely are so much happier here- but let's suss just why?! is it the challanges it presents me or is it more- is it the beauty and wonder and the chance of living a dream again... which unfortunately was shattered the last break from home :)

Deep in tired thoughts tonight, see ya love ya bye xxxxxxx

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

anxious with knickers and knockers and the b word

I am so anxious lately. Having not been well I am having some blood tests but I am petrified of needles.I can't even fully concentrate in typing this or I feel faint.. I am so so wierd.

Go back to primary school age i remember being a bit spaced out when it was injection time at school, as you do as kids you get verucas and that don't ya!! I was always getting something.Some of the kids i befriended were obviously not well to do, I know mum says now even about how she went into school because I had been chewing the same pencil as this boy and he had given me worms lol Which i passed to my brother and sister. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. bork.
Any veruca and I'm sure i passed out, mum was shouting at me but dont think she noticed, i went into a total other world was wierd i remember it today...
Then there was TB at secondary school- the Dawson family has a history of TB a while back like now but Mum was fuming when I wrote my own note to excuse me from having the 6!!!! 6!!!! needle injection! no way!!! I sat in the toilets of high school hiding :)
I then got ill and was a bit like i am now.. not sleeping, the anxiety kicking in a bit, the cold, flu, run down- back then i loved it because i hated school - sure i might have mentioned that already- but i was like wicked day off school etc.. now with work, its inconvienent espec in my job, its fast paced, i like to be fast paced, im passionate
i dont have time for feeling crap. So i went for blood tests.. I actually was very ill back then, think it was for anemia? not sure.. but i caused a right scene. True Daws style...
I walked into the doctors with mum, I had the fear of going in, but i went in- i dont remember the blood bit but i cant htink or i will pass out... and then i sat there waiting for the nurse next, i sat thinking about that bloody needle and what had just happened and with that... i was gone... eyes back of my head rolling, cold sweat i collapsed in the chair, mum mid conversation with a local waiting in reception too... it was purely embarassing!!! And dramatic. They said I shouldn't have left the room but laid for half hour...
So anyways I have to go next week and I am so so afraid :( I dont actually think I can do it- but not sure how I can get better.
There must be other tests they can do instead of my bloods?!bork that word...
Not even sure I can carry this on...
I hate girls talking monthly talk - it disgusts me - it actually makes me feel ill. screw nose up . sick. keep it to yourself no one cares if you have cramp or want chocolate just get it and shut uppppp.!!!!!

Go back to school and sex education lol - high school - my head actually hit the desk... i felt sick and faint. i was kept behind because it was on the hiv and aids bit and they were concerned i had some 'problem' lol of course i didn't i just felt  a right dick.
I can be listening to someone retelling their tale of being ill and i will actually feel so ill i have to try zone out
Claire :) If you are reading how embarassing was it when you retold me about your childbirth!?! we sat in a cafe! and I went as pale as a piece of paper and actually felt so so ill that I was gonna go and i think i was on the verge. it was embarassing and i never have listened to a tale of childbirth ever since.
I've said it wont happen to me.. but if i had to push one out - honestly i would be awful. no i couldn't i would be unconcious it's the only way it could happen.

So this fear over something that could pinpoint my probem is preventing me from sleeping tonight.. I am an actual nightmare. If i could take one thing away from me. It wiould be anxiety. Some people just can do it cant they, whatever, can always man up... but this.. I just can't...
And being me... I think I know it all. I think I know whats wrong with me, and what I can do... he or she is gonna say well... you could lose some weight, talk me through your diet, well yeh you do drink a bit? coke is bad? yeh you have been through some changes and yes i will admit feeling a bit of pressure... sooooooo yeh go for it doc- ya gonna stick that thing in me.. (how rude does that sound) and then me wait n wait and nothing show...

Doctors make me nervous?! Is it the games I played as kids in the garden shed?!lol  we did!!! we used to play in the garden shed and lay there - you was the doctor or patient or nurse and patient.. think mum has a pic of me in my nurses uniform somewhere. lol now i would just darn kinky.. and rubbish.. altho id like one of those hammers?
you wack it on the leg beneath the knee and it's meant to shoot out (omg you are soooo rude)
I couldn't go out with a doctor it would be so annoying?!! being bossed and preached to?! and i wouldnt find him playing the shed games nice or funny jyust pervy -- nooo thats just one role play nooooo i couldnt consider..

I went the other week and I cant believe they still use them sticks in your mouth - the lolly sticks. I was made to deep throat it and was gagging!!! I was a wimp to be fair but had inflamed tonsils, i still do..But hasnt times moved on from lolly sticks- i dont even like the taste of a lolly stick it ruins a perfectly good lolly...
I also didnt know until yday that women have the chest done from the back? but fellas still on the front? i suppose the cold thing on the front might be too arousing? and make the geart beat quicker?
I was asked how he could get in... lol i was gonna go ehhh ehhh ehhhh and lift my frock - they i moved my hair and said go from the top.. get it over with,,
I also hate the look of them beds.. they freak me out- like he might do something to me. i can't relax, i had one once feeling my stomach- not sure why i cant remember- but i was like this is too close for my liking.. infact im sure i had nothing wrong with my stomach?? christs...

mind you i am the only girl i know i went for a bra fitting and got asked to go down to my knickers.. so im stood there in knickers, knockers out and why i dunno... why not keep my trousers on?!
this i believe has also contributed to my dawsisms... :)
see ya love ya laters baby xxxxxxxx

Monday, August 27, 2012

Hear the clogs turning? Daws is thinking...

The reason that so many dates fail is because people sit there telling each other stories, but they don't ever go deeper.  So what happens is one person will tell a story, and then neither asks the other what they think or how they feel about the situation or topic of the story.  Knowing how to go deeper in your conversations with the opposite sex is the only way to move a relationship forward and take it to the next level.  So next time you're having a conversation with someone you interested in, engage them to see if this is a person with whom you really want to get deep.

You see I am a fairly deep person aren't I... I do like to talk about myself - through this self help mechanism of a blog... Not sure it has helped so far but it keeps me enterained..
And I am getting obsessed with my stats :) Thanks for everyone reading..
Back to the deep...
I can't be with someone who don't have nothing to say, how boring can some people be! I mean talk, it isn't hard.
I had a date once, he sat there, with his coat on, and we had nothing to say, so I just spoke about my ex who he was a fricking disaster! I was only trying to see if there
was a reason that every time drunk i would be drawn to the person.. Now i always think of the coat and stay away.

I already said I like someone with 'issues' something they need help with.. like a project.
They say you go for someone like your dad don't they? Well girls do.. and then men they like someone who has qualities like their mum. It's a bit sick really isn't it? When you think about it..

I always felt that if someone cheated on me I would run a mile.. and probably cause a bit of damage too.. but i didn't when it actually happened.
It really saddens me to think of it all.
I had felt a few things weren't right, I thought I was overthinking, I asked... I asked outright several times and was told no. But now i realise us women have something called intuition don't we.
I always knew when something wasn't right. I always knew if something was going on, and 9 times out of 10 i always was able to present evidence of the truth but that 1 time i couldn't would drive me crazy
especially as I felt it was me overthinking everything..
When i did find out, i sunk to the floor, I sat and just felt numb and empty. I with all my heart loved this person. I had always loved them and dare I say always will have a special place in my heart for them.
But as anger kicked in, yes I did cause a bit of damage, I think there is a scar on their left hand - having said that I might not bare the scares but emotionally I do and also physcially I got back as good as I gave that morning... dark dark morning...
How did i find out? Something made me open the coat pocket that hung on the bannister- I had never ever ever been through any possessions before, but something was telling me to do it- inside a pocket within something else was a phone. A secret phone which
displayed a picture of someone I didn't know but a name I had seen before, and thought I had overthought.. I put the phone back after I read it's contents. I then fought to get that phone back - I wanted the truth, i over thought, got deep wanting answers..
why i don't know.

But as i listened to reasons, calmly sat and listening to the indivoiduals issues that already had been aparent to me I realised that I could stick by the person. Or try. I just knew I couldn't use this going forward.
It was the start of it all getting just too deep, too intense, but then that is how i like it?
Living with someone who is depressive is hard, I did it as a kid for christsake, but as an adult understanding more, and also having issues myself, it was all too much to try and make sense and understand a person so complex. It actually was upsetting, I spoke to
hynpotists, I spoke to counsellors and doctors but I couldn't make sense and it was made aparent to me it could be being exagerated and prehaps used. I stil don't know what to believe.
But my mother would be someone who understands how hard it was to live with someone depressive, and she said to me one day  'what if there was a child' involved and i realised really then it couldn't work and if it did - this was the life i was choosing.
I know that the relationship ended sadly and on both sides with a lot of angst - however it was too deep - 2 deep people, so intense with one another, with too many issues that a box of tissues ( i made that up - was that good ) lol it just was never ever going to be
that fairy tale happy ending i seek.
So I went too deep, I dont think a woman on a date can go too deep can they? From this blog I don't imagine a fella reading , going - that Daws yeh I wana make her a princess and be with her- men don't like to go too deep too fast do they?
that sounds rude.. well not emotionally anyway?
How long are we meant to leave it for men, to tell them the truth, to say yeh actually, these are my attributes and yeh, im single becuase... lol
All this dating mallarky- is it just me who cannot be bothered??!? seriously !!!! i don't want to date! i dont want to just sleep with someone either, i just want someone who i already know or have got to know over time suddenly become 'the one' - is it right that dating doesn't interest me? or am i being a right miserable sod? lol
What to wear on a date? always a stress, need to look slim, need to look reem, need to have hair fab, not look like tried too hard, tried hard enough. pahhh i cannot be bothered!!! seriously!!!!

How am I gonna find Mr Darcy with that attitude hey? I best start looking at every person I have come to know and think, could I suddenly be with  you? and start dropping some subtle hints.... me subtle..not like they really go together is it..
I do wonder if one of my downfalls is I am too deep.
I do tend to overthink things which affects my approach and me on a whole other level.
Aparently it is basic human pschycology to think.. but when it stops activities such as sleep - then then it is time for help.
I haven't slept properly for years now. And it's time I have had enough. It has recently got worse, so on the advice of the internet and my recent illnesses I am going to a doctor next week- which should help find out what i can do to try and stop all this overthinking which i already know what he will say.. a form of anxiety..
Yoga and Meditation is a solutuion - lol can anyone see me doing either?! i think not- sat there in my jewellery and accessories - nah not my thing..
I am definately matching the criteria of a deep thinker:

Creative- good at writing, randomness- hmmmmmmmmmmm my blog peeps :)
Pessimistic thoughts override me sometimes

Consider this analogy: Ideas become knowledge, knowledge leads to power, power provokes corruption, corruption leads to internal unhappiness.
I need to get this over and deep thinking sorted- however if i am really busy we don't have time to think do we?
that is why i am happier in a relationship! don't have time that way to think about things!
I still stand by I do want a deep thinking as my next partner- or the partner- i want an indepth person - someone with some layers to peel off...
that and some clothes.. and looking like a right fitty mcfitty :)

Laters Baby XXX

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Make me a princess....
Or at least call me one :)
When i hear hello princess it is usually my grandad. But recently speaking a young man back home he addresses me princess and it makes me smile, Princess Daws.
I know I will never be a real princess. And I'm not daft I know the prima donna and some of my behaviour has people thinking I am a drama queen and a bit of a princess.
Then of course there is an obvious love for princes that I hold...
So my Sunday night watching Beauty and the Beast is one I am thoroughly enjoying. Especially as dinner has just got ready :)
Let me break to fill my face and then I will talk all things glitz and glammour :)
mmm that was lush...
ok back to mmmmm'ing more - men... princes..
what is the attraction?!
So looking at the picture...

I would be a fan of Prince Charming, Cinderellas fella.. he would be worth a poke? He is cute yeh? Dark hair - tall, dark and handsome- and shoes involved!!! And the feeling of Cinderella having a bit of a drama in her life. She goes from nothing to everything :) Although in panto i do feel sorry for buttons..
I mean how perfect does this bio sound from wikipedia: "Prince Charming" is the love interest of Cinderella from Cinderella. When Cinderella arrives at the ball, Prince Charming instantly falls in love with her, and dances only with her for the entire night. However, Cinderella is forced to leave at midnight before the Fairy Godmother's magic wears off and she is discovered. As she flees, one of Cinderella's glass slippers are left on the grand staircase, but she continues running. Failing to pursue her, Prince Charming declares that whoever fits the shoe will become his bride. After days of searching for the right girl, the Grand Duke comes to Cinderella's house, places the shoe on her foot, and it fits perfectly. Therefore, Prince Charming chooses her as his bride, they wed, and live happily ever after.
I want that as a recreation on my wedding day!!! how cool would it be! katie price and peter did the carriage and horses but me nooooooooo ill take it to another level! i want glass shoes! i want the whole shabammm.. but my own dress. don't like her dress... and i am sorry but i can dream on for a waist like hers...

So skip the first one he is a munter, then prince charming yeh worth it- then the sleeping beauty fella. nah i never was a fan!? she seemed lazy just sleeping about the place, but i liked her hair?!
then there was Eric, awwwww Eric. And Aerial.. I loved them. I actually had the barbie doll thing of them both, ok i think it was my sisters but we loved them .... we used to do that thing of bashing the dolls together, like them having sex!! lol no baby ever came though!
and Aerial would flirt with my Take That Robbie doll all the time. hussy...
So.... I am not afraid to admit this cringy fact, we had a mermaid club at school and yes i was in it. I was in it with the 'group' jess,sal and becks. Jess and me weren't the best swimmers? I rememeber us spending lessons in the baby pool but I remember us meeting at sals- and having initation tests.. like walking into the cemetery and climbing down dikes!! because that makes you a mermaid... and then we was gonna ask some one to sew us actual
I love mermaids! I always have, love the idea of nice pretty mermaids- hense me loving a pub on the deliughtful island of Herm called the 'Mermaid'...
So here's the bio, again a bit dramatic, bit of a bitch, and other than i don't have red hair, i can manage a weak swim and worry about the pereoxide sending my hair green - I could do him yeh...
Prince Eric is the human who captured the heart of Princess Ariel in The Little Mermaid. After Ariel saves Eric from drowning, she sings to him, and he is instantly entranced by her beautiful singing voice. Ariel, however, dives back into the sea just as he was coming to conciousness, and the two never meet. Eric then decides that he will only marry the girl who saved him; the owner of the beautiful voice. But when Ariel returns to shore as a mute human, Eric doesn't realize she is the one who saved him, for she sold her voice to Ursula the Sea Witch in return for legs. Soon, Ursula transforms herself into a beautiful girl named "Vanessa", and uses Ariel's voice to force Eric to want to marry her. This almost happens, but Ariel manages to crash the wedding, and her returns to her. However, Ariel transforms back into a mermaid, and Vanessa becomes Ursula again, now determined to end both Ariel and Eric's lives. However, Eric manages to impale Ursula with the stern of a sunken ship, and their lives are saved. Ariel soon becomes a true human (courtesy of her father), and finally, Eric and Ariel wed, and live happily ever after.

So thennnnnnnnnnnn the film I have just watched, the soundtrack of which I love!!!! Beauty and the Beast and poor old prince Adam.
Beast or non beast there is something incredibly sexy about prince adam... and i like a bit of rough hey :)- As in type of man!!!not naughtyness --- ohhhh don't be rude...
so here is the bio.. for those non knowers...
Prince Adam, also known as "The Beast", is one of the main characters of Beauty and the Beast. At the age of eleven, he is turned into the hideous Beast by an Enchantress because of his attitude - he is arrogant, self-centered, and spoiled. He is given ten years to find someone that loves him and that he loves in return. Shortly after his twenty-first birthday, he finds Maurice in his castle and locks him in the dungeon. Maurice's daughter Belle, comes looking for him, and trades her freedom for her father's. Eventually she and the Beast fall in love, but after finding out that her father is sick and near death, he sets her free, which breaks his heart. After a series of events, A lynch mob comes to kill the Beast, led by a rival suitor named Gaston. Beast is too disheartened from Belle's departure to try and stop them. Gaston eventually finds Beast, and fight him. The Beast is still to miserable to fight back and lets Gaston continue. But when Belle Shows up to stop Gaston the Beast gets up and Fights back eventually holding Gaston and intending to drop him until the hunter pathetically begs him not to. The Beast, realizing that He'd be no better then Gaston pulls the hunter back and angrily says "Get Out". Belle then shows up on the balcony and The Beast goes to her, unfortunately Gaston refuses to admit defeat and the Beast is mortally stabbed in the back. In the process Gaston falls from the castle roof to his apparent death. Belle comes to tend to the Beast's wounds, but he succumbs to his injuries. Belle's love for him breaks the spell, and he is revived and turned back into the prince and lives happily with Belle.
I really envy Belle, and she is stunning, but me as a brunette will never work or happen..

But I like a man with a few issues who I can work with, I like body hair, and I like a challenge.. so belle suits my personality. I might go on about fitties.. but they don't always win..

Now now Aladdin, I might 'play' with Aladdin... He is arab isn't he?! I have an intrigue towards arab men, the olive skin, the dark features, I would sample the goods but no Jasmine you're striking keep him...
The genie looks buffer :) shame he is blue!
Now this little beauty is the last one of the line up who would get some serious soph attention... and serious soph attention and soph marrying and routine and not even a proper prince really is he, he isn't rich!? he jsust normal..... good old john smith.... from Pochohontas. Shame he likes the brunette look. Let's read their story..
Captain John Smith is Pocahontas's love-interest from Pocahontas. A handsome, well respected and adventurous explorer, he is chosen to be captain of the settlers in the New World. There, he is quickly impressed by the land and is ready to explore and conquer it. Unbeknownst to him, Pocahontas has been following him. He stops to wash his face at a river, but notices a reflection. Hiding behind a rock, he readies his gun, but when he jumps upon the person, he discovers the beautiful woman. The two talk for some time, telling each other their different names for things and different lifestyles. John unintentionally insults her, though, by talking about how his people have improved the lives of savages everywhere, with things like decent roads and houses. He tries to apologize and Pocahontas responds by showing him the beauty of nature. As the film progresses, John falls deeper in love with Pocahontas and grows to respect her people and lifestyle as well. Over a series of events, Kocoum, Pocahontas' fiance, is killed after attacking John for kissing Pocahontas and John is sentenced to be executed by the Powhatans. Pocahontas saves him from this fate, though he is still shot by Governor Ratcliffe, who is outraged by the alliances the settlers have made with the Powhatans. Ratcliffe is chained and sent back to England to await punishment for his crime, as Pocahontas and John share a tearful goodbye promising to always be there for one another in the future as he returns home to seek the medical attention he needs.
But John Smith is interesting, there are really different, different back grounds, but they have a true love.. andddd he was from good old lincolnshire just like me.. he was real...
Born on January 6, 1580 in Lincolnshire, England, John Smith was an explorer and key figure in the settlement of North America. Smith helped establish Jamestown, forged relations with Native Americans, named New England, and became a part of folklore after his rescue by Pocahontas. Smith returned to England and wrote about his experiences but never returned to America before his death in 1631.
sooooo my mum  might say i live in a fairy world, that i have unreal expectations, but out of all these princes - i fell in love most with captain john smith, a man from lincolnshire- how wierd is that!????
But surely the love of disney has contributed to some of my expectations, and disappointment in some of previous relationships..
ohhhhh i wish i could sample a real prince.
so i tried william.. i sent him a valentines card once, didn't post it- but handed it to his nan, through my nan, yes his nan the queen!!lol no joke! Nan took it to sandringham and handed it to the queen for william. I included a photo, stunning i not.. mousy brown hair, frizzy and underage.. ignorant sod never sent me one back...
so then i moved onto Harry. I found a look alike and muchos liked him. So Harry if you are reading, I know this could work. I wont photo you naked bear hugging me!? I promise! And you can wear a nazi uniform for me if you really want to.. and ok ok if you want to pretend to be Mr Grey.. ok I added that one in.

So I might be demanding, I might like my things but I guess I have learnt from these ramblings I am probably looking for just a normal fella, and he doesn't have to be a certain type...
Thanks Disney... you learnt me loads :) But you also make me wana buy tiaras i have no use for - i rang my friend 2 weeks ago having spotted a lush tiara- i didn't buy it- why would i - point is i considered it.. you are in my head Disney!!!

Laters Baby xxxxxxxxxxxx

Here's me 21- a Princess with a tiara- But a common devil one :)


Live your life be free... the song by Belinda Jones I am listening to.. the reason I have my music on is to drown out the sounds of children outside...
How do you know if you want children or not? How can you be sure?
It's like getting married - althought to be fair thats easier now to get out of isnt it.. but a child, feck like you are 'stuck' with them for years on end.
Again this are all just my thoughts as I type on the subject, no offence is made, I'm not saying one or another is right just like an argument that blew up about a year ago on facebook....

Children just are like a far away concept for me. There are no youngsters in our family. One of my cousins has a baby/ little girl now, I've never met her and she lives q far away.
So we haven't really had children around us. Being the oldest of course I saw all my cousins one by one appear. I don't remember Adam the first cousin, he is 18 months younger than me? so maybe a bit too young then..
All i know was I had someone to play dolls with :)-

See I played with my dolls for so long, til i was like about 11 that maybe I have put myself off, I was still playing with them when they made them cry, eat, and do the other. bork.
I actually dreamt last night about a baby, it wasn't mine but having to change it, and i stood there deciding whether or not i would, looking at 'it' deciding if i could face it... i suppose the love for a baby takes over
that feeling, you can't see him or her suffer?! i am a loving person. I am just incredibly selfish.
I have been in 3 situations where I have had to consider if I could actually be thinking about a baby and I felt so stressed and such mixed emotions. So when I say i don't want them i don't know how i can be so sure...
Those situations weren't serious ones, needing any form of action other than staying calm. I was in a relationship in one, i knew it was going to be a nightmare and an incredible strain and unfortunately as one person who delivered a severe couple of bollockings will vouch were narrow silly mistakes.
Especially as one of those had twins just a few weeks after i i had been would have been the case. i mean seriously !!! nightmare.
I never could do it on my own, I think that but again I suppose i know if you have to you have to. I have alot of respect for a friend Lou and what she has to do day by day and how long she has done it for. I also think her little
girl is a character lol but a credit to her. And despite the fact she terrorises me I love spending time with them. Just haven't done it for a while.. I did feel proud to receive the following message the other day...

 Something to make you giggle, Eva said again today she wants to marry a prince so she can be a princess and she is going to marry prince William, I tell her he is already married to Kate, she says in disgust who's Kate, so I tell her she will have to marry Harry and I will show her some pictures, google Harry first and show her pics, her face falls and she says isn't there anyone more interesting, is he the only prince left??? Haha!!!! I was crying with laughter, do you are safe, I don't think my daughter likes gingers :)xxxx

I made my impression there hey :) And here's another all about style... her and me off to the woods with our sunnies on...

What I would love about spending time with L and E was the fun that is involved in a child... but it did wear me out! And i'd try and be cool but it meant I had absolutely no control what so ever. Again maybe different if you had your own?
Doesn't going to the woods, the fair, parks etc all become more fun when a kid is involved? It does yeh.. but for a day..!? the next time id like to go alone or for a bit of a cuddle and romance time. with a child - that wouldn't happen?
Or can you make it?
I look at one of my ex's sister T and you are so cool. I use you in my argument for and against children all the time. You look stunning,  you go out, you travel, your children are beautiful you have a wonderful husband who i thought was fab - and your wedding!!!!
omg i have not been to one that has topped it yet :) watching don't tell the bride i always think nope not in t's category... Your life im sure has changed but i see your updates and pics and thhink it looks good.. and it is possible?!!?

I mean how could would it be to have a mini you, a little girl omg she would be a nightmare i am sure, a little mouthy thing, demanding, spoilt rotten, god id hope she was happy or id have a task on my hands.

you see committing for so long to a part of your life. it terrifys me something rotten.
maybe  you are better to have kids off young, had i done so when i left school i wouldn't worry about all the details. I'd still believe I would be able to take a bottle of vodka on the birthing thing and it be ok...
that one born ev ery minute - sorry but i cannot watch listen or any of it. i am far to posh to push and if that is coming out of me i dont know how the hell you walk or can ever be fancied again.. and i guess you feel that way
i don't think my brain could think of it
but then people say when you hold it its takes all pain and everything away.. i just scared... wayyyyy scared..

if i HAD to push ok.... if i had too...... you know i probably would accidently concuse someone or would be so offensive to everyone no one would help me..
everyone knows i have a temper- a fiery temperament on me, so if i was bossed at the wrong time on what to do, i swear i would kick or throw, lol

noooo i couldn't do it. the thought turns me all faint feeling...
I looked at the internet and some reasons for an against children... so let's cover those:
to not:
1)birth------ look ive covered that- to posh to push - dread it
2) responsibility------------im very selfish right now, but in a settled environment could that change? it woulld have to!
3)nappies--------------------i cant even scrape a plate of a roast without borking and wretching- i couldn't.. i really would wear a peg id have to or tie a scarve around my head
4)early morning wake ups----- i dont sleep anyway
5)hold on marriage----------- well i dont know about that either- but a big fat gyspsy dress would be nice
6)advice from strangers------ i dont do being bossed about
7)changed relationships------ i dont really hold many but i dont like change
8)free time------------------ see right now i do what i want when i want, i like that
9)worry---------------------- omg i have so much to worry about now- and mum worries no end about us and dad did!
10)money--------------------- the selfish thing again, if i want a bag for £70 ill have it, shoes, dress etc... money for nappies?
11)washing------------------- i dont do any now, i did pull out a t shirt left here though a baby one and had an awww moment
12)tantrums------------------ i have the tantrums no one else
13)rebellion----------------- bit far off worrying about that aint it
14)dissonance---------------- i think id be a cool mum to be fair
15)pain---------------------- i dont do pain- a cold and cough is enough for me, pain, blood, no i cannot and willnot do
16)overpopulating the earth-- like i care really?! if the world is meant to end? go to the ones pumping them out all the time not me
17)failed expectations------- i dont think id ever look at my child and say they failed me
18)lost freedom-------------- i am so free- go back to the belinda carlisle song- freedom is what is making me smile
19)hard work----------------- hey i am a grafter but alone, a child?! if i had to i would i suppose....
20)unthinkable--------------- i saw my gdads loss of my dad and it was like watching him be tortured, i cannot imagine unconditional love and pain only on the side of losing my parent.. i just think though what will happen will happen you can't not life because of what might or not happen can you!?

okkkkkkkkkkk and to do so:
1) cuteness------------------ everyone loves their child really dont they, think they are the best, they can dress like me and their dad, go shopping with me and whatever the dad would do... !?!?!
2)re experience childhood---- well its fun isn't it- brings out a real fun side
3)learning ------------------ watching is meant to be fascinating and fun, but i think id find it infuriating they just didn't know
4)reflection ---------------- all ok but people who try to relive their life through kids piss me off...
5)reincarnation-------------- i need the dawsoness to carry on, i am passionate about it- both dads side and mums. im proud of who i am. i want the name to go on.. which is why id fight they were called dawson if a boy :)
6)socializing --------------- mum and auntie raised us together, the bond was close wouldn't you say? its a grown up way of socializing?
7)control-------------------- yes i like control but i don tthink thats a reason to have a child?!?!
8)adoption------------------- i do think those children needing a home are a possibility in my life, i think of how they deserve chances in life.. but committing to it is a big ask isnt it, again a bit removed from where i am at now..
9)entertainment-------------- well i guess going to the cinema wont be the same again and a lot more expensive
and 10) love ---------------- unconditional love.
there is only 10 for's on the web i looked at- but number 10 is a big one isn't it.

give up my shoes for a playroom/nursery!?!?!? whhhhhhhhattttttttttttttttt!!!!

Is it just me getting older, realises my bodys clock is ticking, taking into account my preference of how i want my life to go, that i am becoming more open to ideas such as commitment of a child?
i also never said i would get with a man with a child, but i now possibly would.
i now would consider what a partner wants, before i would have thought id push my view forward..
but i think im open minded!!? im not for or against!?! and that's not wrong is it?!
all i know is i would like them all to be a bit more quiet and less stinky and at that age dont go getting nits... and looking like rattish1?! do you know what i mean? mum says its a lost age, beyond the cuteness and before teenagerness..

respect to all the parents out there, especially the single ones, and big up to the relationships who go through kids..
for now- this daws, likes being free and is in no rush to make a decision. what will be will be - think they'll be less stress and worry that way...
so for all the opinated elders, yes i am older, i am alone but please i dont need to be settling down just yet, the world is so big, there is so much to see, and to do... and i need a pair of louboutins first please!!!!
and a biggggggggg gypsy frock :)

Before i go though- how hot is it seeing a man with a baby!?!??! a fit man?!?! beckham!?!? the ultimate dilf!!!!!!!! seriously - i think i would have the father photographed in those black and white frames and pictured everywhere - i think they are striking images. and somehow - sexy!?!?

here's a few of my faves...

yeh i think id rather let someone else in the family go there first, or road test one?!!?

see ya, love ya , bye xxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday, August 25, 2012


Losing someone special..

When someone says you feel empty.. i never understood. heart ache, how can your heart ache? but it does.. there is just this strange feeling that i am sure if you have lost anyone that you feel in those immediate days that they leave your life.

As a child I was a bit of a nightmare, I'm talking primary school age, I hated being there. I hated being away from my mum. I didn't go to playschool until a year late because I wouldnt stay on my own... I then had to have mum stay with me with my younger sister.

I was so clingy I guess. I would cry and play up and it caused Mum so much stress. I realise that now - well you'd hope so being 20 years older.. omgggggg i am soooo old :)- anyways it was always dad who dissed out the real tellings off. But dad also tried to understand me. He had little understanding but he did try.

As a teenager my mum and i clashed big style, I was so bad, I was horrible. Mum and Dad seperated when I was doing my GCSE's. It was an awful time and thankfully i took alot of support from my boyfriend at the time. I lived with my dad with my brother and sister to begin with. But as dad had a new 'lady' if you could her that. I hated her- she was and in my mind is still something I would scrape off my shoe. And her daughter was skank too, at a similar age to me I was gunning for her.. but yes, she was horrible and I couldn't cope with it anymore and in a true soph fashion of being dramatic - with my little cousin as a witness i packed my possessions into a bin bag and walked and sat on the kerb in the avenue crying and waiting for my mum.
I needed to be with mum, at the age i was so i left my brother and sister and i do think my brother especially hated me for it. Infact it was proven on a holiday later that year when he lost his temper and we were 'that' family shouting and balling at each other.
Dad and I's relationship did improve. Dad was a character, and emotionally I take after my dad. I would from a young age go into periods of low spells, i wouldn't get out of bed. Dad understood me, whereas mum would shout at me, dad would explore why... i told him once I never felt good enough, too fat, too thick, too uncool.. the list went on.

As a child and young man my dad had been a nightmare, he ruined his grammar education by smoking and drinking instead of schooling. My dad was an alcoholic and would get into all kinds of scrapes, the stories we laugh at now.. he once was run over by a lorry, he then hit a police officer who had walked him home because he was intoxicated.. Dad was a drinker when I was young. Mum and people say I can't remmeber it. But I can, i do remember some things. My dad was never violent as far as I remember, I remember his dark moods, walking around in his pants, drunk or arguing with mum, winding her up as it would come across to me. I also remember when we went to hospital and when i met the doctor whose clinic dad was admitted to. He lived there for a while. It was quite good to be honest there was a conker tree i loved, and 'hill's mounds on the grass we used to run around in. We used to go and sit in the smoking room of the clinic with dad and his inmate friends when we visited. We would play on the pool table by pushing all the balls in the sockets, sometimes we was allowed to play on the karoke videos 'madonna, material girl' was my sister and i's speciality.. anyways dad left and studied psychology and law and got a degree in both at uni in leicester- i remember that too- i remember how proud everyone was and how he sat revising in the car before exams...
he then became a counsellor at the clinic he attended and later worked for addaction and lectured others at college. Dad turned his life around. SO proud of him for doing that.
So therefore I think he knew there as something in me, something deep that made me unhappy and he would say to me he knew how i felt, and even just a ride out to the local supermarket he told me would do me good to get me out.
I suppose this is sad to think this was the onset of my unhappiness. There has to be something that makes us unhappy people, in our brain? surely? I don't remember why my moods turned and knew i never understood it. As i said I hated secondary school
so that didn't help either. I couldn't wait to leave.
Dad was very protective of us all. A very big worrier, he hated us going on holidays, he hated us driving, he hated us doing anything out the ordinary.
I remember when I would go to Stansted to pick my boyfriend up, he would sit with me, just for the journey and tell me if i went over 70 i would have more chance of dying... ok scary much lol
One day when deciding to move over, I had a brain wave to go to Ireland for the day, I drove to the airport and text dad once there, he went skitz :) mum being the opposite was only too pleased. she later wasn't. my flight was so delayed i couldn't go to work the next day and i had to be collected because i was unable to drive.
i then also fell asleep when my plane did arrive, thankfully some hotty shook me awake and told me to run :)
Dad was always in search of happiness and never was happy unless with a woman.. he liked his ladies.. we would laugh and cringe at some of the things he got up to. He was very fond of dating sites, and webcam and that bloody computer in his house caused him so much stress. He never wanted to live long.
Dad always did struggle with depression. And after he lost his mum I know it became a bit worse, as I think it did after splitting with mum. As his children we would turn to my grandfather to help. Dad would take sleeping tablets to ensure a good nights sleep. He was such a smoker he would wake up in the night to smoke.
When i moved to Ireland. I struggled. I personally now realise I was in a depressive state at the time of moving. The doctors call it something I can't remember what, but it is basically adapting to all thee changes surrounding me, especially when there is mroe than one at a given time.
I would ring dad crying all the time, I wasn't happy. I didn't know if my relationship was right, I missed home, the country was different, I didn't see anyone I worked from home and I had money worries. Parts of Ireland improved. But it was always dad I turned to, he would listen to me. He would help out where he could chucking the odd bit of money my way, he wouls always say come home. He also was never sure I was happy with my choice in partner, he knew I never felt good enough. I had never felt like that with the person who I left for him.
Dad as time went on would ask me to move home, bring ya cat and live with me he would say, you're not happy. But the daws does not give up. I fight on. Until I run myself completely in the ground it seems... as i did.
Anyways Dad used to come and visit Ireland and he loved it. He would visit muckross house and gardens and describe it as Heaven on Earth. I will never forget how happy and at peace he looked talking about it.

Even visiting Ireland dad managed to go on a date. He also brought a couple across to stay with us.We had some good days and also
nights out. I will never forget dad's expression one day at me... i was short of money at the end of the month, my fella had decided last minute to go back to england so i borrowed 50 euros as emergency money. he didn't bother telling me he had arrived or how he was etc for over 24 hours, so taking the money the next day i went to tk maxx and brought the most lush handbag- dad asked how i got it- i told him.. his mouth was open, he didn't understand that side of beahviour lol i had to pay the 50 euro back by the way i got a bollocking..
I created so many memories in my time in Ireland that I would never ever regret living there, not only memories but photos and experiences with my dad.
I do however think how I wish I wasn't there that day the call came.
It was a shit day at work, the pressure put on me was hard i felt, and i got home and an argument had kicked off, the phone rang it was dad. I spoke to him abruptly. I wasn't fully comitted to the conversation.
I finished in the usual saying of - see ya, love ya, bye...
Half an hour later, the phone rang, it was my mum, i had answered but she wanted to speak to my boyfriend, i didn't read his expression well. But he said bye and then told me my dad was seriously ill. He had had a heart attack.
Just typing this I morphe back to that living room, the room span, I thought of dad, of how i had been. And I text him 'wait for me'. I was worried about work, it all happened so quick but felt so slow at the time. My bf left the house to go book flights, he said we had to go, but i said no, we can't i have to do work tomorrow, i was on another planet.
He was gone when I called my mum... mum was crying. 'He's gone soph.' those words... 'he's gone' he couldn't be. He was there half hour before - talking to me. And i was alone and in another country.
As the BF returned I  had to tell him, I wanted to go, go the airport, he suggested we slept but no I had to go, I cried all the way the 3 hour journey. Our flight wasn't until the next morning, I did drop off as we drove and woke up screaming as I realised it was real.
Meanwhile my brother and sister and all my family were there, at his side, at the hospital. I respect my brother and sister so so much for what they went through that night. I wish I had been there. But it wouldn't have changed a thing.
The feeling of laying there empty was unreal, my mood was dark, i was awful, especially to my boyfriend, i was especially awful, i blamed him for not being there. It wasn't  his fault. Every message hurt me from people that dad had said to them I wasn't happy in Ireland and should move back. I was sad dad had worried about me, I was sad i may have contributed to stress that might not help a heart attack situation.
Guess what he was doing!? he was on that fucking computer!!! he was stuck, went next door, and then as he stood up to go home felt unwell. and that was it he was gone. he was only 46 years old. 10 years younger than my nan who died in a similar way.
He always never wanted to be on earth long, he never wanted to live long, and this was it. He was gone.
Such a void, as I got home I expected him there, I thought the knock at mums door would be him, it was just .... emptyness.. occasionally i felt him there, i would speak out loud, i think maybe it's our bodies way of dealding with grief?
The funeral was big, dad after he lost nan had set up a football club, the young dons, he was seen as a local hero, the teams turned out and i felt proud as i followed that coffin down the isle. I felt a bit embarassed by the amount of women I knew dad had been involved with there lol but that was just dad.
We had the song 'changes' by kelly and ozzy osbourne as we walked in. Dad brought me the cd to depict the relationship we had around the time we moved out. That song now is very emotional for me. But has become happy again.
When I went back to Ireland I knew then I think it wouldn't be for long.
I was emotionally griefing and in a relationship that was already under strain it was going to go from bad to worse unless there was a support network around us. Which there wasn't. Those dark moods appeared again, laying in bed, crying, not doing anything. Just missing and hating myself. Anger.
After I discovered something else enough was enough I had to have time back at home. I saw my mum and she assured me she was there for me. She was so sad she didn't even recognise me at the train station, the usual glam daughter, an emotional wreck, lack of care for my appearance.. It was only a month after that.. I gave in.
I went home. I left everything, job, partner, house, cat, car, and my dream.

Losing the intense relationship I had been in in Ireland was like another loss to me.
Although remaining long distance it was different and it was painful and i felt empty again and in time this ceased.

(ironically this is a picture of both people of the moment back then.. walking away.. it feels like that is just what happened. both left me with me needing them.  xxxx)

It is here I realised the importance of family.. my family were there for me. My cousins, we would have nights out, we would have nights in, us siblings grew very close. We respected mum, she was proud of us, what we had been through, we were thankful to her partner who had tried to revive dad. We grew up and grew up fast.
In an argument I was had 'you use the dad card all the time' thrown at me. I will forever hate that person in that moment for saying that. When you lose someone who you love and respect and never expected to go, you can never use it as a card. I couldn't. I would swap places for my siblings sake for them to see him again if i could. I look at my brother, whilst he is here, my dad will never ever be gone, not just through
memory but the spitting image and personality is there- within my brother..

but traits are also within me. Not the alchohol, all 3 of us are paranoid about that. But the darkness.... I am trying to understand it to combat it, and i already am, you can induldge in counselling, you can take a tablet that helps, but with me.. it's time. time to adjust. and i am getting there. but i will always have part of my heart missing that was for my dad...  and no one will ever replace that, may a child could fill part of that gap?! as unconditional love, but as i already mentioned, im not sure i could be parent, im not sure i want to be, i don't know what i want yet. and without a man and his opinions i dont stress myself trying to think about it..
i don't think nor do i want a very very long life. people may think that is wrong of me, but i want to appreciate life. I dont want to be gone without having felt happiness. And my happiness i attach to being with someone... having said that - my time here in Guernsey have given me most times a happiness I have never felt, a sense of acheivement and indepence i am proud of..
but again like dad, i want company. i want a man. i just can't do the whole player thing like dad did :).....

im sorry this isn't a joyful update.. but this explains my complexity, it explains the highs and the lows, not just having lost my dad, but once again that constant feeling of not feeling good enough.. it is what i am forever working on. Being proud of myself is my biggest self acheivement. Some people may run, cycle :) or have education for all their goals and aims. mine is quite simple, i don't want anything else other than to experience a period of happiness alone and with someone else.

see ya, love ya, and bye..


Thursday, August 23, 2012

Who do you look like?

When I look at fella's I don't know why but I have to make them look like someone?
Are we as a female nation obsessed at looking celebrity men and therefore brainwashed? Or is this a SophX thing?
I actually do think they are the person in my head at times i think, especially after a good few vodka and redbulls and rose wines, and cider and ok throw in a budweiser.. lol
SOoooo yess I thought it would be a little bit funny to do a run down of the celebs... or their look alikes i have met...

My first serious boyfriend looked like David Schwimmer. I was obsessed at the time with Freddie Prince Junior, the olive skin, the dark hair and dark eyes ticked all the boxes.

My last serious relationship was with.... urm... Colin Farell I would say. The stubble, the dark hair, again olive skin and dark eyes.

But the best one's are the flings, the one kissathons..
and I have to start the story with one of the funny ones.. well it was funny but I can see the bad side....
Me and my bf at the time were out and drinking in Ireland. I was left whilst he had a cigarette with his boss and this other guy, I can't remember where he came from.. The guy in my head I was obsessed was Ronaldo.. So i told him just so.
He said he wasn'Ronaldo - but could he feel my breasts lol I said you are Ronaldo and yes.. The bf of the time walked up to us just at that point... 'alright mate' he said, the guy knew he was doing wrong like and said 'mate she said i could' and i said 'yeh i did
it was Ronaldo' I thought it was amusing, but knew I was in trouble. The next morning I got a bit of a bollocking.. But i still think it was funny.
So... my friend Louise thought it would be funny for secret santa at work to make me a guide to Ronaldo look alikes that I could use when I go out to eliminate the chances of getting the wrong guy :)

Unfortunately I don't have room in my bag or continually lose the guide so it happens time and time again.. I don't however make a regular occurance of my breasts being felt in public, I assure you that Daws is not that kind of girl!
Another funny one, is that I thought I was with Mika- I mean what the actual feck... Mika is a munter!!! And I got myself in a situation there, I was like human ping ball between this bunch of whatever they were- and thankfully pulled to the rescue by my lil cousin Becks :)- Fricking Mika...

Sooo who else is there... ok ok Una and Colette will actually die laughing at this one.. or actually I think it went past the point of laughter...
I used to love watching the Bill - do you remember DSI Manson?! I loved him- so I was delighted he became Frank in coronation street. It was just shame he was a rapist.
well imagine my delight when I caught sight of a look alike, his name was actually Marcel.. I was in Ireland on holiday. And yes I saw him and yes one night I went in for the kill which was a big mistake!!
Marcel behaved like Frank the rapist- thank god not as an actual one but i was afraid to go to the toilets alone! He was in the bar every night, yes every single night, and he was ruining my chances of the bigger fish i had to fry/ catch? whichever sounds better.
So Manson was starting to get on my tits a bit, oh no not good phrasing.. i don't mean actually get on them.. Una stepped in and tried to calm it all, but he was even very forceful with her grabbing her arm etc. He was obviously trying to make me jealous hitting on other girls.
I was just grateful.  I decided a tactic was needed to get him to back off.. I would agree to a date. The Sat night.. but I flew home Sat morning lol ... yes what a bitch..
Unfortunately it didn't work too well.
I might spot celebs but not real people..
A month before I had been over and had had a ball of a night, at the end of it we were stood outside when a guy started talking to us... well me. I thought it was the usual drunken end of the night conversation..I was rather tipsy and when having had a drink I am a little comical
i think if not cringey.. I was offered a cigarette by this man - of course i declined but was amused his packet was called BLONDES. I looked at it and saw it was foreign. He  had my attention. I asked him his name. Christian. He spoke like a german, very gruff. makes me think of standing to attention.
I looked at Christian and it was as if he became in focus - his english was not great. Thankfully as I did say somethign a little bit bad.. Im not sure I can type it.. ill insinuate what I said- if you want to know you'll have to ask.. I told him 'you are very fit christian' and he smiled.He was a ski instructor back in austria and over doing contract building work.. i liked christian.. i told him just how much i liked him. Christian did not know what i had said and the girls were like ohhhhhhhhhhh nooooo you just didn't say that lol!!! it was funny.
In the meantime poor Una had been accosted with a french man - and he was called Pierre? or something? he was asking where the 'after party was' we wasn't interested. There was another young one.. he was irish. I was calling him One Direction. If I remember rightly he was a charity collector lol ? and he didn't like being called One Direction he said it was boring, and he fancied Collette - Colette wasn't interested and we called a taxi.
It was very late/ early in am at this time, so we agreed we would share the last mini bus taxi with the 3 lads. we made it clear us 3 were to get out first and no fellas.... unforunately... i was put in the back.. colette where you were i don't know? I think you both were in the front and yes I was otherwise engaged..
Before we knew it - frenchman had jumped out the taxi and was running to Una's front door- 'after party' 'after party' lol 'there is no fecking after party' we said in unison. I tore myself away from Christian.. sad to never see him again.. but i did............
Una spotted him... he was there a month later- and she was right it was him!! i was a little giddy, more sober this time I realised he was actually fit- but unsure he would remember me. he did remember us definately.. i just was so so shy again!! like a div! una and colette were trying to encourage me but i was getting insanely jealous. and christian is very difficult to understand, una was the best interpreteur. It materialised Christian had a gf back in Austria...woooops. sorry gf..
but we had some banter- although his drunk friend was obsessed with me and kept wanting a word.. and then!!!! Manson/ Marcel appeared! and pushed Christian an actual nasty push and i think a glass smashed and he left - he was really unhappy at me it was in his eyes.. christian howver just seem confused..
We stood outside after kicking out time with christian and he had to leave due to his friend the wierdo one being so ill and he was still letching at me!! Lost again!!! but I do have a photo and he did look good - one of the better beer goggles moment..

that night we also met justin bieber! and took him under our cougar wing... he knew how to dance by the end of it. We also spotted the guy who plays Jim in american pie!
I love fake celeb spotting!!
I really liked a prince harry lookalike, we saw each other a few times, nothing worked out, but he was nice :)
I have to say I have spotted and tried to identify a fair few ronaldos.. imagine one day if i found one..
it might be like the day I was sat opposite Peter Andre!!! how surreal was that?! come on you know i was gonna slip this one in!
I won my nan and I tickets to appear on ITV this morning's show for the Royal Wedding Street party back in May 11. We didn't know what to expect. Other than we might go on tv.
Well...... i had a beautiful geri halliwell dress - red white and blue, very busty so it was, and matching accessorises- naturally..  I took the chance to glam it up big style.
so imagine my delight on set when they said - put him opposite that girl!!! nan was busy gossing away when i was like 'nan, peter andre is stood next to you' there he was - the sexy boy panter!!! i mean fitty!! he looked smaller in real life
and darker? also older! it made me certain i want an older man!!! he was soooooooooo hot. he had white shirt on and jeans.. very mr grey hey :) i was texting under the table.updating the facebook status..
he sat down and keith lemon joined him, he shook our hands, we had ten mintues before we went live. talking about vegas and no stag do in marriage to katie, i was zoned in on that chest and how surreal this was, i was playing it cool.
he asked me my name again, i said sophie, he asked me if his shirt was ok, did it need doing up more or undoing.. i was literally foaming at the lips! and said - dirty dancing moment..
'it looks very well pressed' what the actual feck! i don't iron, ive tried ironing a mans shirt and given up!! he just smiled.. he probably thought loser !lol! i had a fair few pics with the andre and later having reviewed them i decided i looked a geek so........
i was stood watching the overtones perform (Actually realised i had been to chatting to one in reception, didnt know who he was) and then saw pete stood near me on his own.. i snapped the camera out my pocket- said pete i looked minging before, let's have a quick one! lol and snap!!! i got the shot i will have attached.
if his shirt was well ironed it sure as hell wasn't after my bad boys had leant on it- im suprised bronzer off my chest didn't transfer over too lol

yes there have been an awful lot of bad ones - alan carr? i can't even show you that photo! Infact I think that night I found Jacob off twilight and also R patz too?! it was in a dingey club in Nottingham.. my sis and bf wasn't too impressed lol

I also have recently had a close encounter with a nicholas cage look alike.. i mean you don't go on a date thinking you'll be insulted do ya??! he was a prick...

i have to say my most common celeb spot is ronaldo though... i wonder what i would do if sober and spotted the real one!?!?

what celeb look alike will i come across next other than him... !??!?!?!?!

time will tell hey :) answers on a postcard.

laters baby x

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


Livin' alone
 I think of all the friends I've known
 But when I dial the telephone
 Nobody's home

All by myself
 Don't want to be, all by myself anymore
 All by myself
 Don't want to live, all by myself anymore

Hard to be sure
 Some times I feel so insecure
 And love so distant and obscure................

What a bridget classic...

I actually am more pathetic than bridget.. she had 2 fellas so i don't know why she was complaining, she had choice of daniel and darcy really didn't she? devil and angel?
i dont even have one.....
that's it feel sorry for me lol

I do feel a bit lonely at times I have to say. But I don't feel any lonelier than I did back at home. I am fairly comnfortable with my own company. I guess I just argue with myself instead lol.
I think back to not doing things on my own and feel so proud of what I have done.
I can't stand people who dont have the umpf to get on a train, go to bars to get drinks etc on their own. it's a bit pathetic really isnt it??
So - as this blog is meant to be bridgetified.. i decided i should draw some comparisions between me and bridget jones...

bridget = 30 something year old in London
thank fuck - there is hope for me... i am 26 - im not in london, never plan to be. current location - guernsey. home - lincolnshire. Name is Sophie blates...
she tries to make sense of life and love - snap - same as me.... finding myself..

She has some bad habits - smoking and drinking too much - but she annually writes her New Year's resolutions in her diary, determined to stop smoking, drink no more than fourteen alcohol units a week, and eat more pulses.

Well ok my bad habits are - drinking too much diet cherry coke.. and binge drinking when i do drink to the excess of cocking things up...
. Bridget repeatedly flirts with her boss, Daniel Cleaver. A successful barrister named Mark Darcy also keeps popping into Bridget's life, being extremely awkward, and sometimes coming off a bit rude. After Bridget and Mark reach an understanding of each other and find a sort of happiness together, she gains some self-esteem and cuts down on her cigarette consumption. However, Bridget's obsession with self-help books plus several misunderstandings cannot keep the couple together forever.

well- i don't flirt with  my boss.. i am the manager but my manager is a male but newly married, karma, remember.. a barrister called mark darcy? come on ?!!?? i don't know any barristers - my cousin is a solicitor!? but no.. lol even if from lincolnshire and the fens - incest isn't my thing... im not a dingle.. - i need self esteem and i do get it from men.. but i do google things.. which fucks things up.

i am however loving some of the films most favourite quotes and i use them often, you often find them as my status and as twitter comments... or i just blurt them out randomly like a film obsessed person..

Bridget: This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
Soph: feck it - ill wear the bridgets with nice ones underneath- when im in there- ill shove the bridgets in my handbag..

Bridget: Wait a minute... nice boys don't kiss like that.
Mark Darcy: Oh, yes, they fucking do.
soph : i don't talk to kiss- i just move in - ask my friends... i go in for the kill and thats it...
Bridget: Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs... Mum... Hi.
Soph: Sophie Dawson, wants to be a sex goddess, with the chance of any man between my thighs... the phone can ring and ring all it likes
Bridget: It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.
Soph; fucking drama!!!!

Mark Darcy said to bridget - you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are.
Bridget: You once said you liked me just as I am and I just wanted to say likewise. I mean there are stupid things your mum buys you, tonight's another... classic. You're haughty, and you always say the wrong thing in every situation and I seriously believe that you should rethink the length of your sideburns. But, you're a nice man and I like you. If you wanted to pop by some time that might be nice... more than nice.

Soph : I don't like your hair, or your clothes, let's go shopping, give me your wallet... if you're wearing skinny jeans i am not walking with you
Bridget: Have bottom size of Brazil.
Soph: have arse size of moon
Bridget: Resolution #1: Uggg - will obviously lose 20 lbs. #2: Always put last night's panties in the laundry basket. Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things.
Soph - yup the same prob
Bridget: The only thing worse than smug married couple; lots of smug married couples.
Soph; well jel - bork

Pam Jones: [to Bridget] You'll never get a boyfriend if you look like you wandered out of Auschwitz.
 Share this quote
Mum to me- I don't like that on you... are you going like that? you need a haircut...

So something I would do:
Mark Darcy: [answers the phone] Hello?
Bridget Jones: It's me. Just wondered how you are.
Mark Darcy: I'm fine thanks. Everything alright with you?
Bridget Jones: Fine, though, er, I've just had a rather graphic shag flashback. You do have a genuinely gorgeous bottom.
 Mark Darcy: Right, well, thank you. I'm actually with the Mexican Ambassador just at the moment and the Head of Amnesty International and the Under Secretary for Trade and Industry and you're on speakerphone.
 Bridget Jones: Oh, right.
Share this quote

This is my most favourable quote ever i use all the time- and it's so so true of me:
Bridget: First off, I embarrass you. I can't ski, I can't ride, I can't speak Latin , my legs only come up to here and yes I will always be just a little bit fat. And you, you fold your underpants before you go to bed!

I am thinking mr twitter about our conversation earlier at this point, about no activities on the beach- this would probably be my outburst - after capsising the boat or something.
to the rest of readers, blates there is a mr twitter.

Bridget Jones: I truly believe that happiness is possible... even when you're thirty-three and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
Soph: I just wana be pissing happy - i don't care whats happening with my arse and im 26 i wanted to be married at 18

Bridget Jones: You think you've found the right man, but there's so much wrong with him, and then he finds there's so much wrong with you, and then it all just falls apart.
Soph - ever the miss negative id say just the same...

LOL this is is so me all over.. in my head last night i had already married mr officer mcfitty and had children.. christ i dont even know if i want them... so why do we do that?!?!

Bridget Jones: [diary] Have never been happier in entire life. However, must not obsess or fantasize.
Bridget Jones: Bridget Darcy; Mrs. Darcy; Mr. and Mrs. Darcy; Lord and Lady Darcy!
Bridget Jones: [diary] Wonder what Mark Darcy would be like as a father. Father to his children I mean, not to me. That would be weird Oedipus-like thought.

Bridget Jones: I will not fuck it up again, Mum.
Mum: Bridget! Language!
Bridget Jones: Sorry. I will not fuck it up again... mother.

Soph- mum always tell me i have such a lack of vocab she didn't bring me up to swear around the place.

and this.... well i wouldn't be so nice would i!??! come on1?! thing as you read it what i would say ....

Bridget Jones: [Bridget is on the phone talking to Mark's answering machine while he waits outside her flat] You're outside! Look err, I'll ring you later. Unless you've come to chuck me once and for all, in which case... Bye and thank you and sorry.
 [Mark buzzes up again from outside]
Bridget Jones: Oh God please don't chuck me, don't chuck me. If you have chucked me, please change your mind, I'll behave much better in future.
Bridget Jones: On the other hand if you haven't chucked me please behave better next time we go out. Stuck up snob.

Soph: i dont know what ya doing hear - inbetween sobs, probably dumping me, cus you dont like me and in which case you fecking dick i hate you and you stink

lol tamer than you thought?? i made it make me look nice :)
and to finish
Bridget Jones: You know, I never really understood why you wanted to date me. It seems so unlikely.
 Daniel Cleaver: Come on, Jones, for God's sake. You're sexy. You make me laugh - at you of course, not with you. And you were, incidentally, the best shag I ever had.

always thinking im not good enough, i dont need to say anything about the other- :)-

so what do you reckon- am i bridget? am i newer version of bridget? or have i just convinced myself? am i more pathetic?!
for those bridget fans did you know how the story/ newspaper on bridget finished?!?!?
omfg - we need that third film now!!!

The new Independent column was set in the then-present day of 2005 and 2006, with references being made to events such as River Thames whale and has dropped some of the motifs of the original diary, particularly the alcohol unit and calorie counts. Despite the time advance, Cleaver and Darcy were still the two men in Jones' life ("I'm not sleeping with them both at once," she explains later to her friend Shaz. "I accidentally slept with each of them separately"),and the plotline launched into a pregnancy. As author Helen Fielding said, "she's heading in a different direction." The column is continued into 2006. In the last entry, Bridget Jones gave birth to a baby boy, fathered by Daniel Cleaver. She moved in with Daniel.However, Mark was not entirely out of the picture, as he previously suggested that he would like to adopt the child.The column finished with the note, "Bridget is giving every attention to the care of her newborn son – and is too busy to keep up her Diary for the time being.

andddddddddddddd there is set to be a musical in london with sheridan smith as bridget... i want to go- so as bridget - i need a date!!!!?????????????????? the hunt is on!!!

A bit of reminising however you spell it

So liars apparently lie because they don't know they are lying.. that was a message i received late last night. it kept me awake in a rage..what utter crap - i won't fall for all that.
so i laid and watched several police programs which turned my attention back to officer mcfitty mcfitty..
i rang and spoke to my manager friend today, she said it sounds like he felt sorry for so i guess i should just stop the dreaming right now...
after a lie in - much needed i saw the sunshine out the window. doesn't the sun make us feel better? it does me, it encourage me to get up, if i dont get up i wont tan.. even now im wondering if i should be catching the last few rays outside. the only thing putting me off is the addiction to 'blog' and my glass of pimms.. the hotel is summarised by the the barman asking 'do you want all that stuff in it?'
don't fricking ask put it in - service standards leave something to be desired. lol i am so like my nan in complaining.

i remember one time in the local pub, we went for a meal, it was for my brother going to uni maybe? i can't remember. well we had a family world war,because i told the waitress it wasnt good that they didnt have something on the menu...
nan didn't hear and then did the same.. the rest of the family sat in embarassment. i am understanding but to be fair, they had really pissed me off before we took to our seats.
which leads nicely to that someone has majorly pissed me off...
when i meet a person I either like them or i don't like them. I don't warm well to alot of people, it takes some work, but with me first impressions count.
i don't take kindly to people making comments as if they know me when the don't, i am complex as surely this shows, i can't be read, so quite frankly people shouldn't try.
i also don't help people who piss me off. and at some point someone is gonna need my help. I don't know why I can't assert myself that much higher with someone like that, I know
i know more, so put myself there, cut them down, but i shrink back a little.not something that i do in all environments..
take a restaurant when my auntie was over,she was enjoying her cigarette outdoors and the table behind her started complaining, whilst my auntie turned posh, i despite entertaining
a visitor lost my cool. My dad's temper spilled over and i asked who the # the man thought he was talking to, what was his problem etc.. it's like that middle ground again that i struggle to find.
high or low, happy, sad, up, down, angry, calm...

back to today i went to the beach which was lovely, i laid and listened to my ipod, kept refreshing my twitter, and read some of my book 80 shades of yellow.. it's fairly full on. I had to put it down at one point it was a little strong. :)
if you get me..
i then played with the camera and fooling around with my cowgirl hat, ever the poser, trying to create the next profile pic.. well i never would ever be a model so i can take pictures of myself in that case.
as a kid i got told i wouldn't be special many a times. i got told my the orthadontist i didn't look athletic therefore my brace was removeable, meaning i never wore it,, what a spanner he was, im glad i gagged on him
as he made me have them god awful impressions. even as a grown adult now.. i have never ever had anything so foul in my mouth and such an unpleasant feeling. it's like playdo shoved up your mouth..sick!! and that juice they give you, it looks like blackcurrent but is it hell, fakers!!! not that i go to the dentist anymore. i hate them. and i hate my teeth.
mum cancelled my dance lessons she said it was a waste of money me bunny hopping about the place, i could do that at home, i also was told i was built like a bus compared to my sister ... which to be fair was true. she was a stick. i used to sing baggy trousers at her in jealousy.. there is a horrendous video of us both singing to spice girls, if you wana be my lover, it depicts this well. i am in a crop top and jeans - awful, a high arm bracelet with fat spewing over the top, im about 10 and emily 7 is in bell bottoms and crop top, tiny ... and i am bossing her about. at one point you know when it goes - slam ya body down' that is when you see my stomach crease over and me push her a bit.. lol ohhhhhh dear she never did get bigger, she still is an athletic figure now.. where as theres me with my curves.. she can be cutting sometimes.. i spoke to her on skype just 2 weeks ago.. im enjoying a glass of wine and she states, i see your no longer
on the diet then.. she realised and apologised.. but lol i do love ya em.. christ don't flare up.

me and my sister are known for our fiery temperments.. i have a scar on the top of my right thigh.. caused my a stilleto inplanted a news years eve by miss emily...
i had walked through the living room and knocked her, i was tipsy, she called me drunk and i flew at her, mum then had to  pull u s off one another.. 10 mins later i am in the taxi
to one town, her the other and we are telling each other we love one another and to have a good night.. emily flares up more than me to be fair, but i can be irrational about things.. i get angry and cry which then infuriates me.
nights out with emily and i are interesting. we have a close relationship with our cousins. having moved back from ireland we had a stage where we all were out quite frequently. we had one night which i will never forget.. i must dig out the photo.. i was in a white dress, we were fairly tipsy up town and we saw a hen night, i saw they had toy guns, something possessed me to poach one.. ok steal one.. and i put it in my bag telling no one.. my auntie loves this story. it just highlights how stupid i can be. lol
we then went from a bar to the club, the others had gone ahead, it was my brother, my sister and me.. i wear v high heels cus i am a short arse and to make me feel slimmer (excuses lol) and we went over a speed bump.. now i swear the speed bump made me fall but alchohol maybe was involved. i crashed to the floorand the 2 caring siblings of mine were in laughter at me.. i had hold of my camera but my brother wetting himself grabbed it and started taking photos of me on the floor. sorry looking on photo it was emily doing that- my brother is helping pull me up i then looked up... a police officer had his hand held out. my sister muttered to be normal. so... i took my shoe off. stood up, witht he help and showed him the shoe.I asked if he could walk in them heels. and that the speed bump was a danger.. i had forgot the gun in my bag... the bag was open.. remembering i quickly picked it up.. and went to the club. inside the club i was in agony, despite the alchohol i could feel my face was grazed. makeup disappeared as i put ice cubes on my face and knees.
i then went to the bar for a drink, pulling my money out my cousin looked down and exclaimed wtf where did you get that.. to the gun... i slammed the bag shut.. and she said dont get that out. we carried on about the night.
in the taxi on the way home we remembered about the gun, i pulled it out and exclaimed to the taxi driver to not be afriad it was fake. the cab was in stitches as the tale was relived. i was scared they would do me for inpersonating a weopen... i got a lecture of my aunt and i also got called bloody stupid and not funny by my mum.
i miss my nights out with my sister, but i have to say we did get in trouble the last one at home. mum said we are never ever to stay at hers again. i actually thought i was falling off the face on the earth. i drank lots of wine, went home alone, emily wanted to stay, she kept ringing my phone but i had no focus, i couldn't find it, i was laid
on mums front lawn wailing 'i cant see' and she came and dragged me inside.. she had to lay with me and emily kept phoning.. each time mum answered emily hung up, mum was getting more angry and i was getting more sick... i sslept on the sofa for about 24 hours and we never spoke about it - other than never ever again were we to pull stunts like it..

going back to the night of the gun, all 3 of us, ok just me and emily pulled a brilliant stunt on mum.. we got home... throughout the night my brother had sent a text to his mate, but accidently sent it to mum.. it said lol 'your mum has a banging pair of tits' he was mortified and all night had asked that we try delete it for him so mum didn't see it.
we got out of the taxi and william was sick, he said pleeeeeease get the text and disappeared, emily and i went in and somehow came up with a plan we were going for traffic cones.. we live ona  quiet road, there is no traffic cones.. but luckily rare roadworks.. so off we went.. walking down but no.. before we did- emily reappeared in some combat trousers and a hoody. aksing her why, she seemed confused.
we managed to get 3 - one for each of us. laid in the road and allsorts with them then took them home.. for mum.. we always joked we had 5 cars to her house, at one point 6. lol it would help with the congestions. we left them in her garage spread out.. as we went up to bed, we disturbed mum. mum went into emily's room, she saw emily in her combats..
i then got a text from em asking to please back her up and watch out mum was coming. in bed i dived and did the thing as kids we all did- pretended we were asleep.
the commotion of the cones in the morning was not a happy one. we was told off, and we had forgot williams text and all 3 of us spoke about the effects of drinking..
it was a legendary night - and good memories.. i really enjoy them family nights- we really need another soon before we all go completely seperate ways as we already have done..
a family wedding would be perfect... but don't look at me... id say spinster daws will remain just that...
so having fooled about with the camera, here i am sat blogging..

isn't it funny how we get used to routine... i like it but i don't like it..
i like i look at my phone in the morning at the mo and check for messages and usually have one :) i don't think i like it just cus of the routine. I found that the hardest thing about coming single, no texts. not that i was sent many anyways. louise my friend was such a gem. the first day i was at work and single, she text me, she said i knew you'd be checking your phone, thinking of you. it meant so so much.
i like people like that. because i would do something like that for her. i am caring and thoughtful. i am also very thankful and respectful. this person who has pissed me off is not respectful and not thankful or receptive to all of what i have to offer. but where as i could lose my rag like my sister flare up, i can't. i have smile, put what i refer to the soph front on. it will only stay for so long though.. time will tell.

ill blog later - for now it's pimmage time - without all the stuff.